byronhulcher's Top 10 Worst Games of All-Time (2005 Version)
by byronhulcher




10 - Super Mario 64 DS

Today, we shall start a magnificent list. I like most games. I'm such a miser (read: Jew) that if I buy a game, I better like it, because there's no way in hell I am going to just buy another one until another month or so. (Until I got my DS though. I'm buying games semi-daily now). And on my DS, I shall start my list, by bringing up what ruined my good memories from the N64 (Super Mario 64, Jet Force Gemini, Mortal Kombat Trilogy). This game was released, and my main gripe was that I had to start all over collecting stars. And I HAD THEM ALL. Now I couldn't hit up Yo-dawg up on top of the castle, and I had to fight all my favorite bosses again. And that damn snow level. Let's add in the lack of analog control, the FOCAL point of the n64 and the Mario 64 engine. In addition, I had more stars to compulse over, and I had to track down some damn bunnies for something. Minigames. I think I've spent around 10 hours on the Mario game, and 12 on the minigames. And around 2 on that intro drawing program. I need a DS Mario party. Just to play minigames that last longer than Warioware. I'm not ADD enough. But I am ADD enough to know that this game makes me lose every single bit of attention I had. I've got 60 stars in it, and I'm putting it to rest.









9 - RoboCop

One prime directive. You know, Robocop. As in "We can rebuild him. We have the technology." Actually, douchebags, that's from "Six Million Dollar Man" so stop quoting that whenever I mention our favorite cyborg. And yet, someone decides to take my precious license and publish a loose FPS for it. I'm not sure there was a plot, whether it followed the movies or not. I don't know if I could even pop out those 50 guns from my crotch and pelvis. I do know it had terrible targeting, collision detection, and the worst voice overs ever. EVER. I wanted my classic Robocop, which is now deemed "old school" in my head. They probably made an Atari Robocop, and it's probably better than this Xbox Piece of Crap. Good Riddance (another turning point a fork stuck in the road...)



8 - Heavy Metal: FAKK 2

Take one parts Americanized Hentai. Take another part stereotypical 3rd person action game. Take another few parts gratuitous booty shots from said 3rd person camera, and you have Full Metal: FAKK 2. This game, modeled somewhat after the movie (of which I have seen, and I think its better), this game has you running around killing things with guns, swords, and explosives. Most of the enemies are fun. The guns are fun. Hell, I loved the combat and weapon system, with poison and fire swords, multi weapon fighting, and everything. I just hated how much they tried to add sex, and add story. It had the worst plot EVER and the worst innuendo EVER. With 5 minutes more on plot development in the studio, this probably would be in my top 25 list, if I had done one.





7 - Luigi's Mansion

Sure, it was the game to sell the Gamecube. Sure, it certainly was no Mario game. Mario was missing, and at least I didn't have to koopa pipe my ass to Paris to find him. Instead, I had to feel like a Dan Akroyd rip-off and go around catching ghosts and blowing up marshmallows. Sans the Stay-Puff guy. I think that would have made the game good, but instead, I spent time crashing lamps and bouncing off pictures to scare ghosts. Why can't I just get Linda Blair and exorcize them? Or Exercise them. Some of them looked a little hefty for me. This is on here because it's no Mario 64. Or even a Mario 64 DS.







6 - Final Fantasy Tactics

WHAT WHAT WHAT?!

FINAL FANTASY?!

NUMBER 6?!

THAT'S UNPOSSIBLE!!!!!!1111111

Seriously. I hate this game. Why? Because I spent 20 bucks on it, and to this day I cannot get past the third battle. You know the one where you are up against 2 black mages and you have a half-assed healer and like 2 thieves? Yeah, that one. I still can't beat it, and I have counted, I've logged about 20 hours into that single battle. Hell, I'm afraid if I do beat it, how long it will take to beat battle 4. So this gets my worst game of all time for just being too friggin difficult for me, and so I put it here out of spite.




5 - Fight Club

Tyler Durden, Red, black, and blue, Tyler Durden, who are you? Tyler Durden, with your stylized hair, Tyler Durden, are you even there? Check it, that's my mad acoustic song about Fight Club, one of the better movies from the 90's. So what does one of my favorite 90's movies turn into when released as a "revolutionary" fighter for the next-gen consoles? Crap. You can play as a bunch of off-voiced characters who look more like they were rendered by blind men watching the movie. And sure, you can break bones, but it takes so much effort to do it, I usually get my ass whooped trying to pull it off. Why turn a great movie into a game with crappy story mode, and the only decent thing is that I can break faux-Meatloaf's arm? I have these questions, and I'm going to sing until I get answers.




4 - Quake

This game set the bar for 3D First person shooters. No question. It literally invented it. So why you ask, does lowly Byron hate this? Simple. Deathmatch. When this came out, I was beaten time and time again by my own father, relentlessly with him always around 30 kills ahead. I hate this game because I am scarred that my father would defeat me for pretty much the better part of two years before Quake 2 came out, and I never looked back... Mainly because I kicked so much ass with the plasma gun.










3 - Chrono Cross

Chrono Trigger was god on my SNES. I have beaten New Game + so many times it's not funny. I have touched myself to hacked beta's and ROMs of it, running around 1999 and doing tomfoolery with different characters, analyzing time sequences, and joining chrono encyclopedia forums. Then I played Chrono Cross. What were they thinking? What were the connections to my beloved game? Lucca probably owned an orphanage, Robo was probably a new robot, and magus looked a friggin hell like that mage guy. That's where it ends. I miss my time-traveling-effecting-the-future shenanigans where I could imagine Crono and crew rolling in an atomic DeLorean. The biggest hit though, besides having a cast of like 60 people of which 61 we didn't care about, was combat. In Chrono Trigger, it stayed on the map, no need to switch screens, which made the game feel more like an action game than RPG. But Chrono Cross returned to generic Square separate battle screens, with that crappy terrain elements thing. Whoever came up with this game should just be draw, quartered, and forced to play this game until they finally understand what a bunch of dragons have to do with an alien.



2 - Magic: The Gathering Online

Big Boss 1: "We've got an international game that has stood the test of time for years."

Big Boss 2: "Right, but people haven't been able to play online! They still have to be each other and smell the fact that they haven't bathed for days."

Big Boss 3: "I've got it! We'll create an online arena for all players!"

Big Boss 2: "Brilliant!"

Big Boss 3: "But Apprentice already does that, and with full deck and card selection, how can we compete?"

Big Boss 1: "I know, in addition to real cards, we'll charge them for online cards and boosters with no real world value!"

Big Boss 2: "But doesn't that defeat the entire purpose of moving your deck online?"

Big Boss 1&3: "EXACTLY! WELL SUCK THOSE NERDS FOR EVERY PENNY THEYRE WORTH!"

Big Boss 2: "What monster have we created?"

Byron: "Magic the Gathering: Online. The game that almost made me turn to Yu-Gi-Oh"



1 - Dungeons and Dragons: Eye of the Beholder

About 4 years ago, I was introduced to what is known as Dungeons & Dragons. (Satan's Game). I have spent 4 years gallivanting across untold worlds, killing brain eating squid men, gigantic ogres, kingdom eating undead, and the occasional peasant. And through it all, one day at a Toys R Us, I saw it. I had just gotten a GBA (which broke down soon after, probably related), and a D&D game was like having a lvl 15 paladin on his knees givin- lets just say he was using his Lay On Hands. Anyways, I bought it, full price, and plugged it in. Turns out it was a remake of the NES game of the same name. And nothing changed. We still had the click through First Person mode, like something from a TI-83 game. It still lacked half of the classes, a decent magic system, and everything about D&D I loved. To this day, I have trouble even thinking of Beholder's, and some aberrations still bring me back to the days in which my soul was crushed by the horrible horrible game that killed me forever.






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