F³: Frantic, Frustrated, and Female
by Polly



WARNING: ADULT CONTENT

Okay, what the fuck, Socksmakepeoplesexy.Net? A hentai? You're honest to god gonna review an actual hentai? What the fuck is your problem? Have your standards really sunk so low that you'll review just about anything now? Are you really so desperate for hits that you're going to pander to the pathetically over-sexed interbutts and use sex as a cheap way to draw attention to your pathetic little site?

Simple answer? No.

Complicated answer? I didn't wanna waste time legitimately reviewing that 50 episode shit sucking cock-fest that is Eureka Seven, and thought this might be the perfect way to insult that series even further.

We were all 14 once, right? I think we all remember, regardless of gender, that being sexually curious was just par for the course. Guys, you were always looking for your dad's stash of Playboy and spending late nights watching scrambled softcore porn on Skinemax's late-night programming block. Who cares if they were green and the v-hold couldn't keep the picture from rolling. THERE WERE BOOBS GOD DAMN IT! BOOBS! Don't try to deny it. Don't worry, we did it too!

For a long time (and even now to a degree) Japanese Cartoons had a bit of a stigma of being classified as cartoon porn. I can't deny that a lot of early domestic releases that caught on certainly went a long way toward helping the medium deserve the tag regardless of the actual good shows that were coming out. If you were a fan of Japanese Cartoons in the early 90's you probably ran across quite a few ecchi/hentai releases. It just seemed to be the main focus back then.

I'm sure a lot of us remember generally stocked titles such as Devil Hunter Yohko, Plastic Little, Dragon Pink, and Rei-Rei: Missionary of Love. Everywhere I went, these seemed to be the titles that were always there and it was interesting that ADV (their videos were always red, blue, and white colored depending on the release. I always thought that was so kick ass!) was actually able to get these titles into stores with their nudity and sexual content. At least it surprised me, because I was always able to rent or buy them without so much as a second thought from the clerk selling a 15 year-old girl drawn sex tapes.

wasn't stocked as well as any of the titles mentioned earlier. I only got ahold of this one through a RightStuf catalog after reading the premise and thinking it might be one of those titles that ends up being more funny than it was sexual. Well, at least as funny as one can expect an h-title to be, I guess.

At least it's not Eureka Seven!

Our "story" (read: justification to have as much sex in this three episode OVA as possible) centers on poor Hiroe, a "physically perfect specimen" who's generally happy and perfectly healthy... except for one crucial flaw... She can't seem to...seal the deal... Cross the finish line. Reach the top of the mountain... She can't shoot that last damn alien invader in Space Invaders...

SHE CAN'T HAVE AN ORGASM!

Be it sex with her boyfriend or playing with the latest in genital stimulation devices, Hiroe absolutely can't achieve the height of female satisfaction, but she'll have more than one helping hand (and probably more) in the matter (among other places). That's really all there is to it! It's a hentai, you baka! ^^;

Hiroe will be joined primarily by Mayaka and Yoyoi, referred to initially as "big sister" and "mom" respectively. These relations might seem a bit disgusting to most at first, which may explain the changes in the roles after the first episode, but it feels done more for comedic purpose. From episode 2 on, Hiroe still refers to both characters in the same way, but every time she does, subtitles in both Japanese and English pop up to comedically let us know that "Mayaka is definitely not Hiroe's sister, she's just a neighbor in the same building" and "Yayoi is honestly just the landlady, nothing more!" It's a simple and goofy little gag that's just one part of the show's cheesy charm. Funnier than anything in Eureka Seven

Each episode of finds Hiroe pretty much being coaxed by others into trying to reach orgasm. It's all done in such a way that most of the show can be considered a parody on the genre and possibly porn as a whole. Kinda like how Eureka Seven is a big fat joke about animu as a whole, but not really funny or good at all, unlike .

Our first episode has Hiroe trying to hit the sweet spot by herself using the latest and greatest genital stimulation technology. Of course, she's unable to do so and is soon aided by her "sister" who ends up both satisfied and exhausted before Hiroe has a chance to enjoy the same ecstacy. The whole episode centers around Mayaka's crazy schemes in trying to help Hiroe out which include hypnotism, fortune-telling, and a mad scientist's invention that features something you've probably seen in every hentai ever. Here's a hint: It rhymes with tentacles... hmmm... fuck!

The first episode really is the best of the series and I wish the two episodes that followed it had retained the same kinda premise with Mayaka coming up with more and more ridiculous situations to get Hiroe into all for the sake of the big O.

The second episode, which should really just be titled "20 minutes of lesbian group sex" introduces a few more characters for Hiroe to...interact with on her journey toward the highest peak. While the first episode contains some of the better humour with Mayaka's scheming moments, this episode may be considered to have some of the best sexual content and ends on a ridiculously over the top because it's stupid speed-fucking.

The final episode proves to be the most unique as it's an oddball take on the horror genre. The episode's primary focus is on futanari (look it up if you need to), and though it's not my cup o' tea, the episode is still fairly entertaining. There's quite a lot of visual comedy in this episode and was enough to keep the episode from being skippable.

This time around Hiroe finds herself possessed by an incubus and has srpouted a ba-doing-doing where her hoo-hoo should be and only the help of a specialized medium can put an end to the curse. It, of course, involves sex! I never would have guessed. Since the visual comedy of the episode is really what sells it, I don't really wanna spoil it too much.

As a whole, the visuals and sound are pretty much what you'd expect from a title this old and of this nature. Only serviceable. Nothing really all that special. The character designs have that old-school late 80's-early 90's look to them and they're all reasonably attractive if a tad generic, which is probably a good thing since you're gonna spend most of your time looking at them naked. If I can say anything about the sex scenes themselves, it's that they're fairly decent. Unlike most modern hentai, the sex in the show isn't really all that graphic and doesn't hit on any oddball out of left field fetishes. 90% of everything you see will pretty much be all girl masturbating or girl-on-girl three/four-ways and for a title of this kind it's basically as good as you can expect. A lot of repeated cycles and the like.

Man, I really can't wait to check my referring search results and key phrases a few months after this review's up...

is a decently exciting and fun little diversion. It's good, but only about as good as one can expect a hentai title to be. I'd personally consider it a classic of the hentai genre due to its comedic value and the fact that it didn't have to go out of its way and be completely vulgar or disgusting to grab the audience. It can be had for fairly cheap these days, so, if you don't mind feeling like a dirty little pervert, have a taste for mostly yuri-based sex scenes (HI KAZLO!) and wanna laugh a little in the process, this one might be for you.

And look on the bright side! It's not Eureka Seven.






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