Let me start off by saying that if there's anyone out there reading this that's
actually worked in ANY way on this game,
PLEASE email me at socksmakepeoplesexy.mailbag@gmail.com.
I would LOVE to speak to someone regarding this game, its history, its development, and
WHY it was let out the door the way it was. I love the Contra franchise and I seriously
wanna know how and why this happened. So, I know it's a complete shot in the
dark, but if you worked on Contra Force and can prove it in some way and can give me
some insight into this project, I'd certainly love to hear from you.
Onto the review.
Let me just get this out of the way...
FUCK, SHIT, PISS, BITCH, HELL, GOD DAMN, HELL, FUCK, ASS, SHITTING, FUCKBAG,
PISSCOCK, COCKFACE, ASSBITCH, MOTHERFUCKING, SHIT FOR FUCK, PISSBAG, COCK LICKING,
GRAND ROYAL FUCK, SHIT PISSING COCKFUCK, BLOODY SHITTING, FUCKNUTTING SON OF A FUCKING
DICKWHORE SLUT!
I only curse when it's absolutely fucking necessary. No, really. Stop laughing.
I do! Sometimes it's really the only way you can express the kind of disdain
needed to explain a situation or particular hatred of someone or something.
Sometimes games go above and beyond the call of duty when it comes to sucking.
Sometimes a game will create a black hole and begin sucking in EVERYTHING that
lay in its path. Your time, your money, your love of a franchise, YOUR FRIENDS!
Let me just put it out there...If you're reading this and you had any hand in
the creation of ANY PART of this game...kill yourself. Seriously. What the fuck
were you people THINKING? THIS IS NOT A CONTRA GAME! Sure, there's jumping
and shooting I suppose...BUT YOU EVEN FUCKED UP THE MOST SIMPLE OF CONCEPTS
BELONGING TO CONTRA OR ANY OTHER SIMPLE FUCK ACTION GAME!
I want to know HOW...HOW...
HOW this fucking piece of shit got to market.
How can such an unplayable pile of rat semen POSSIBLY pass by Konami's fucking
quality assurance team?
HOW DID NINTENDO EVEN ALLOW THIS SHIT TO GET BURNED TO
CARTRIDGES? HOW? HOW could ANYONE with ANY DEGREE OF SIGHT have POSSIBLY OK'd
this unbelievably shitty excuse for a game? Even fucking EA or UbiSoft would have
seen this and went..."God we're whores, but even WE can't release something
this bad."
For those still without a clue, I do not like this game. Nobody likes this game.
And if they tell you they do, they're fucking liars and they're going straight to
the seventh circle of hell when they die. That's the kind of lie God just won't
forgive.
I've never looked into it, but I have a suspicion that this wasn't even a Contra
game to begin with. Kinda like the Super Mario Bros. 2 scandal. I think this was
just some generic, run of the mill shooter that was being released at the end of
the NES' days and they figured they'd get more cash out of it by calling it a
Contra game.
So really...what happened here? Well let's see...
We got four characters to choose from...all of which are equally [REDACTED]gy. Let's
have a look!
Burns
This is Burns. He's the bad boy of the group. He doesn't follow the rules
and he doesn't have to. He's fucking Maverik...he gets the job done on his
terms doesn't need YOUR approval or anyone else's to know he's good at
what he does. Taking it right in the ass from any number of assorted
gentlemen.
Smith
Here's Smith. He enjoys candlelit dinners and long walks along a moonlit beach
with Burns. He also has a crippling crack addiction which has drained him of
all his money and dignity, as he is now forced to suck cock outside the neighborhood
Denny's for cash two or three times a week to support his habit. "Rehab is for
quitters!"
Iron
KOWABUNGA DUDES, IT'S IRON!!! The surfer [REDACTED] with a heart...and a fucking clown
nose! Or is that a shadow? Or a dick? Fuck if I can tell. The graphics are
too shitty! Anyway, he's a [REDACTED].
Beans
He's the lone wolf of the group...he don't need no one for nothin so just leave
him alone, alright bub? His past is a mystery, though it's probably tragic and
in some way ironic. I'm betting it has something to do with the fact that his
name is fucking
BEANS!!! Just a fucking shot in the dark though. (Psst...
[REDACTED].)
It is KINDA neat that there's four people to play as and that they all have their
own weapon sets. Hell, it's even kinda cool that even when playing by yourself
you can call in another [REDACTED] to back you up and the computer will control the
fully-powered [REDACTED]. You can do this as many times as you want making the game
a complete breeze. Getting to use your weapons is a major pain in the ass, though.
It works on a system not unlike the Gradius games where you have a bar at the
bottom and you collect capsules to move a selector along toward whatever it is
you want. This wouldn't be SO bad if there were enough capsules to go around to
keep all your guys powered up decently. And when you die? You're reset to the
crappy starting gun that has a range of MAYBE 6 inches.
The weapons flat out suck. On paper, planting time bombs around a level that
explode all over the place SEEMS like it might be a decent idea, but in practice
it's really stupid. Especially since the guy using them can't fucking do ANYTHING
ELSE TO DEFEND HIMSELF UNTIL THE BOMBS BLOW! Other weapons lack range, are way
too fucking slow, or just make no sense at all. Like mines. Yeah...wait around
for swarming enemies to walk into mines. Mines that I can only plant one or two
of at a time. WHEEEEEEE!!!! Seriously, I can sorta see what they were trying
to do here by giving everyone a specialty, but it ultimately falls flat due to
some really shitty execution and...
UNBELIEVABLY SHITTY GAMEPLAY!!! I'm not lying or exaggerating when I say that
this game is nigh unplayable. Why you ask? Because if you have more than two
things on screen at once (including YOUR BULLETS) the game begins to slow to an
unbelievable crawl that makes playing either ridiculously easy or frustrating
depending on whether it allowed you to kill everyone on screen without any
kind of retalliation or if it missed your press of the jump button and landed
you right in the hole!
Why don't you be the judge? (11MB -
Right Click, Save As, XviD codec required)
Here's a clip from the final stage (11MB -
Right Click, Save As, XviD codec required)
Here's the worst bug EVER LEFT IN A GAME
(2MB - Right Click, Save As, XviD codec required)
Nope, that's not exaggerated. That's not an emulator fucking up, creative video
editing, or anything else. It's the game playing in its native choppy ass,
slowed down state and there's never even more than 2-3 people on screen at once.
The flicker and discoloration is fucking dreadful!
The graphics aren't THAT intensive and there's surely no excessive amounts of
animation. It's just plain shitty effort being put into a game. Notice in the
2nd clip how some shit happens that DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE!
Nope, this game just isn't any fucking fun it all. It's a disgrace to its own
namesake and I hope any and everyone involved with the stupid fucking project...
ya know what? Fuck it, I'm done.
Overall:
This game doesn't even get a fucking score. All it gets is....
ONE BYRON IN A DRESS! 
